For as long as I can remember, I’ve been passionate about relationships. I’m also a lifelong learner – fascinated by other people, the inner journey, and how to live a great life and have fulfilling, authentic, and inspired relationships.
Before I became a relationship coach, I used to marvel at other life coaches who were dispensing relationship advice via their blogs, podcasts, books, and workshops. While I admired their accomplishments and praised their work, I would also scream inside: “That should be me! I could do that! I have even more to say on improving relationships/finding the right partner/confidence/taking action/stress/self-talk/forgiveness/fill in the blank.”
But I didn’t become a life coach. For years.
I knew I had it inside me, but I didn’t do anything about it. I held myself back out of fear and because I had no idea how to get started.
It made me jealous and frustrated inside, resentful at the world and plain annoyed at myself for not figuring it out. It worsened as each year passed.
Now I know that my ever-present jealousy (that was on a low simmer all along) was a vital catalyst for the next stage of my lie. Because what did seeing other people out there doing it, living it, breathing it, crushing it, show me?
Something important. What I really wanted.
To help overcome your energy-sucking green-eyed monster, ask yourself these five questions before you start comparing your life to anyone else’s in any life situation:
1. What’s it to me, really?
Say you feel eternally single and your best friend suddenly lands a great girl or guy.
What’s it to you, really?
Does it impact your dating life at all? Of course not!
Sure, you might spend a little less time with your friend now that he or she is in a relationship. But why not use that time to find new ways to put yourself out there on the dating scene?
If anything, it’s wonderful proof that great people exist and meeting one in any moment is truly possible.
2. What lesson can I learn from this?
When someone else triggers your envy alarm, what does it reveal about your own desires?
For example, if a friend just got a juicy raise, did he/she ask for it?
If your buddy got fit and put on a ton of muscle this summer, did they try a new workout or a great, doable diet?
Figure out what you can learn or leverage to your advantage. Don’t let your jealous streak sabotage what could become your next win, too.
3. Hey – what’s going right in my life?
Take a step back and remember all the great stuff going on in your life too.
Envy blinds us to this completely.
While you’re eyeing someone’s ability to speak confidently and persuasively in public, they may well be envying your recent promotion, loving girlfriend, or the fact that you CRUSHED the local Spartan race last weekend. Taking regular note of your own blessings (daily if you can – I love The Five Minute Journal for this) makes you less likely to freak out when someone lands something you want.
4. How can I compare myself to someone more relevant (me)?
Life is long.
It’s not measured in days, weeks, or months—but years.
Don’t blow up someone else’s recent achievements in your mind. Have perspective.
The real measure of success? Compare yourself today to who you were two years ago and consider how far you’ve come. When you truly evaluate this, the truth is likely to surprise you.
5. What does my jealousy show me about myself?
If you’re consistently triggered by certain events (like me with self-help superstars), your negative emotion is revealing something important to you. It’s showing you something that you secretly want too.
Think of those pangs of envy as prompts, giving you a little nudge in the right direction.
If you’re frustrated or jealous that a friend reached the next level at work or started their own business, it’s probably because you have a deep desire within you, waiting to bloom.
It’s there, just waiting for you to take action.
I couldn’t take my jealousy anymore. It was killing me.
I had to do what my inner voice was calling me to do.
I had to become who I really am, who I am now and who I am still evolving in becoming.
In order to leave this life regret free. To not hold anything back. To use everything I’ve been given and leave it all out on the field.
To do the same, you just have to redirect your focus to what really matters and the only thing that you have control over: yourself.